What Heartless Do In Their Spare Time
by Allexandra Radcliffe
Summary: The Heartless's account of what really happened at Hollow Bastion in the first game, complete with Bob the Neoshadow and Linkin Park cover bands. Completely random, contains minor spoilers for the second game


What Heartless Do In Their Spare Time

by Allexandra Radcliffe

----- -- -----

_Hey, everyone, just posting this random oneshot I wrote today. The title is horrible, I know, but...yeah. It's actually based on a (very random) conversation my friend Einhaender and I had on Gaia yesterday, about what the Heartless do in their spare time. And our rantings got turned into this random fic._

_Anyways, Meyd is Demyx, Lea is Axel (I didn't want to name him Ale...), and of course, Braig is Xigbar. I stick those three (and Roxas) together a lot, don't I? Oh, well._

_Disclaimer... I don't own Kingdom Hearts or the Linkin Park lyrics used. If I did, why would I be posting this disclaimer?_

----- -- -----

All the Heartless knew about the Keyblade wielder, Sora. The stronger ones, like the Wyverns and Darkballs, wanted to destroy him and steal his heart, but the little Shadows wanted nothing to do with him. Sure, it would be nice to not be bothered by him anymore, but they knew he was too strong for them. So when a great meeting of the Heartless was called, they only went because the Parasite Cage threatened to eat them otherwise.

The meeting was held at Hollow Bastion, and was led by a Neoshadow named Bob. Nobody knew why Bob was the leader, but he was, so they left things alone. Bob was at the podium, ranting about how they had to band together to take Sora's heart, but four little Shadows in the back were completely ignoring him.

"We need to start a band," said the first, whose name was Meyd. "That Sora guy could come along before we have a chance to prove how awesome we are!"

The second, Lea, rolled his eyes (though you couldn't tell) and shoved Meyd over. "Why do we need a band? No one would listen to a Heartless band, anyway." Next to him, Braig and another nameless Shadow nodded.

"I know!" Meyd exclaimed, glomping Lea in his excitement. "We can be a cover band! Like for that band Linkin Park!"

"Linkin Park?!?" the other three yelled. Around them, Heartless turned and stared, and Bob stopped ranting to glare down at them.

"You four!" he backed, scaring all of them. "Stop talking and pay attention! This is an important strategy meeting!"

The Neoshadow next to Bob nudged him and whispered, "Um...you've just been ranting about how stupid Sora's hair looks..."

"Shut up, William."

"Um... I'm sorry, Mr. Bob, sir, but we had an idea..." Lea, Braig, and the other Heartless glared at him, and he added, "...well, I had an idea. That we – the four of us – could start a Linkin Park cover band..."

The Heartless around them began talking excitedly, and even Bob looked less maniacal. Meyd grinned in that way he had, and Lea shoved him off, grumbling about stupid musicians.

"That's it!" Bob started laughing evilly, but started coughing until William pounded him on the back. "You will distract Sora with loud, angsty music, and we will steal his heart while he is angsting along with the music! Because everyone knows teenagers angst constantly!" After another round of evil laughing, he said, in a slightly calmer voice, "I order you to start this band immediately. Sora will reach Hollow Bastion soon. In the meantime, the rest of you return to your worlds."

As the rest of the Heartless began to disappear, Lea started choking Meyd, yelling, "I hate you! Got it memorized?"

--- -- ---

The next day, Sora, Donald, and Goofy reached Hollow Bastion. The second they left the Gummi Ship, they were ambushed by an army of Heartless.

"What's with them today?" Sora yelled as they ran for the doors of the castle.

"They musta known we'd be comin' here next!" Goofy replied, narrowly missing Donald's head with his shield.

They finally made it inside, where everything seemed quiet. It was also completely dark, but they shut the doors to keep the Heartless out. Donald was on the verge of casting Fire when lights suddenly blazed from the middle of the room. As they shielded their eyes, loud rock music suddenly blasted from the stage.

Four Heartless were on the stage that had been hastily put together that morning. Meyd had a Heartless-sized guitar and was sharing a mike with Lea, who also had a guitar. Braig had mini-turntables, and the unnamed Heartless was the drummer.

"What the..." Before Sora could finish his sentence, Meyd and Lea began singing.

_I am_

_A little bit of loneliness, a little bit of disregard_

_Handful of complaints but I can't help the fact that everyone can see these scars_

_I am_

_What I want you to want, what I want you to feel_

_Cause it's like no matter what I do I can't convince you to just believe this is real_

_So I..._

Sora, Donald, and Goofy stared at the Heartless for a minute, then shrugged and went on their way.

--- -- ---

"NOOOOO!!!" Bob screamed melodramatically. "This was the perfect plan! Why didn't he stop and listen?"

"I think it might be because his heart is too pure," the unnamed Heartless spoke up. "He's too innocent to angst about things yet."

"Shut up! It was probably because you were off beat!" the crazy Neoshadow screeched. "Therefore, it is now your job to go defeat that idiot!"

The little Shadow sighed and went off towards the Keyhole, where a battle was already taking place.

--- -- ---

By the time it got there, Sora had already defeated Riku and was trying to revive the seventh Princess of Heart, Kairi. As it slid forward, Sora reached for Riku's Keyblade, dropping his own. No one noticed the Shadow dying, or heard Bob's scream of rage.

--- -- ---

The Heartless Sora was nervously shuffling around the castle hallways when Meyd, Lean, and Braig caught up with him. They all talked for a while before coming to an agreement and hurrying off to the entrance hall.

--- -- ---

Donald, Goofy, Kairi, and the Beast came into the entrance hall, only to find it completely dark once again. Once again, the lights flared from the center of the room, and another loud song started, this time with a different lead vocalist...

_I woke up in a dream today_

_To the cold of the static and put my cold feet on the floor_

_Forgot all about yesterday_

_Remembering I'm pretending to be what I'm not anymore_

_A little taste of hypocrisy_

_And I'm left in the wake of the mistakes slow to react_

_Even though you're close to me_

_You're still so different and I can't bring you back..._

Lea was playing the drums in place of the departed, unnamed Heartless, and Sora's Heartless was singing along with Meyd. Everyone stared at the group for a few seconds, until a loud fangirl squeal cut through the music. Kairi dashed forward and glomped Sora's Heartless, breaking the messed-up stage and knocking Meyd aside.

There was a bright flash, and the other three Heartless on the stage went flying. When the light cleared, Meyd, Lea, and Braig were gone, and Sora was back, still holding his little Heartless guitar.

"I didn't know you were a Linkin Park fan, Kairi," he said a little hoarsely.

"I can't help it! They're all so...KYAA!!!!" And so Kairi danced off, doing all the things fangirls do when they're being fangirls.

--- About a month later ---

Axel, Demyx, Xigbar, and Roxas were sitting through an Organization meeting, completely ignoring Xemnas's rant about Kingdom Hearts. Axel was trying without success to light Demyx's hair on fire, but stopped when the musician suddenly burst out with, "We should start a Linkin Park cover band!"

"You four!" Xemnas yelled suddenly, startling all of them. "What are you talking about? This is an important strategy meeting!"

Saix, who sat next to Xemnas, nudged the Superior and whispered, "You've just been ranting about how we have to acquire Kingdom Hearts..."

"Shut up, Saix!"

Demyx turned to the other three Nobodies and frowned. "I get the oddest feeling we've done this before..."

----- -- -----

_Right, that's it. I know it's crazy, but that's the sort of mood I was in. So I wrote it. Hah. _

_I know Linkin Park is a six-man band, but I couldn't imagine any other Organization characters being with those four. And I ended up liking the nameless Heartless a lot... Anyways, reviews? I might post another random crackfic someday, depending on how people like this._

_- Allexandra_


End file.
